today

was a good day.
daimo with kuya, ari, marky, michael.
berzerkely with the above.
ari meets church fam lol. craaaazy.
daimo. yuuuumaaayyy!
shopping? fashooooo!
new:
dress via buffalo exchange
shoes via bows and arrows
sunglasses via urban

got home. more christmas presents!!
new:
purse
jacket
workout clothes
nailpolish
movie (up)
book
money

wednesday should bring fun. and more stuff =]
happy holidays all.

time

time for a change.
time for things to go my way.
time for me to get my head on straight.
time to move already.
+
time to move ON already.
time to grow up.
time to figure this out.
time to do things MY way.
time to figure YOU out.
time for a change.
small? big?
out? in?
i dont even know.



been awhile since my last post.
merry christmas all. hope your holidays were all fantastic.
mine were spent cramped in a house with people i didnt really like.
thats ok i had the mountain. i didnt realize how much i really enjoy tahoe until this christmas.
being on the mountain by yourself. just the fresh white snow, not yet touched. just waiting there for you to make YOUR marks in it. the beautiful views. it was the first time in a long time where i was just able to sit back and focus on me. riding up to the top of that mountain, all around me beautiful snow and scenery was amazing. gave me time to myself to just sit and think. let my mind wander. follow it. try and figure it out. i realized im a pretty screwed up person. wtf. made some dumbass decisions. dumbass mistakes. dumbass dumbass dumbass. but because i recognize it now i think i can turn around.
i have regrets. i know thats something alot of people never want to admit but im gonna do it. i have regrets. question. is a regret still a regret if it wasn't done by your actions or your doing? example: can you regret something someone else has done to you? can i regret HIM leaving?
yes because, maybe inadvertently caused that. maybe the leaving was an effect of something i did. a repercussion.
no because, you can never tell. you will never know if thats the reason. no because maybe it was just on him.



i just watched 500 days of summer.
i think i need to watch it again.
got distracted.
after i watch up =]


i know im skippin around.


sorry.

i cant focus. later.

"this generation plants the seeds. the next gets the shade"
sooooo what do we get....

the calm after the storm

ahhhh.life has been good. not great but good. not without its stuggles and dips but when is that EVER happening. met new faces. one of them really cute =] haha daaayyym. that smiles been pasted lately hehe. we'll see what happens. my birthday passed. laaaaved it. haha i never thought that a surprise party i knew about could surprise me that much haha. missed some faces there but its all good. recap shall we?
woke up early -_-
went to vallejo and did chores -_-
to costco with moms and wawee
swooped by lana =D
to dollar store for new jar for all the fucking coins that spilled in her car. ha
forgot i still had moms keys to back to costco -_- her alarm was going off heehee
lunch at L&L =]
coinstar at raley's =]
pierced at jeffs (shit hurrrrrttttt!!!! FAAAACK!)
drop jeff and cousin off in AC
me and lana are in fuckn paaaaiin!
to ann's to get reaady
3 of us head to WC for shopping
urban=]
true=] see danns sister...not as awkward as i imagined..
back to anns.
get blindfolded an abused in the car.
kidnapped by shy tai, wheat, convey, and peepeeopi.
abused in that car too haha
surprised at pasta pomodoro by all my niggas!
ate a nasty ass birthday bowl.
spit it out in the garbage
washed it down with my cake and ice cream =]
bitches tried to crash. just left w/o saying shit like dumb ass niggas haha. looked hella dumb walking in and just leaving. wooow.
drama -_-
chilled in parking lot
target haha
drama-_-
home. haha kevin and nick =]
comp.
birthday wishes.
phone.
sleep =]

through the clouds

things have been good lately. done with the dark days. ready for new things =] haha
schools been stressful. work overload. stressing hella for alg 2 and chem. not confident at all breh. daaayyym. drama going around again =/ needa break from that men.
birthday is coming up!! so excited! should be a great distraction from everything. just hope all plans go through. i wasn't reall that excited for my birthday earlier this year but for some reason im just hellllllla exited aha.
lightweight failed attempt for a surprise ha! but thats ok. they tried. llaaaave you.

so after my church service last week i've really learned to be more thankful. i've learned to really see the positives in my life and be thankful for them everyday. you never know when the things you take for granted will disappear. cherish what you have when you have it, learn to live and be happy when its gone.

privacy

the world needs it.
fuck ha.
then again this is an online blog.
irony

mmmhmmm...

why so confused nigga? having trouble with your decision? well i think its time that you learn to deal with it cuz dragging me through your ups and downs just isn't right. and its partially my fauly i know but you were the one to end it so live with that. stop confusing me and sending me these mixed signals. im done moping around and being sad. im ready to move on and experience new things. like i told you..this is probably whats good for both of us right now. so please. let me move on and get over you. i wanted to try and be friends but you only took advantage of me. im done with that shit. i do miss you and care for you but i need to do me now. its beeen about you for the last two years, its my turn now. that may seem selfish but i gave you everything and now its time i give myself everything. its my time now and im going to live it up. maybe someday we'll find our way back to each other but i honestly dont see that right now. and even though it makes part of me sad it makes getting over you easier. you'll always have a special place with me but right now i cant focus on that or you. if you need anything. really need anything. i'll be here. i wont lie. im mmad at you right now. but im hoping it will pass. thats enough for now. you wont ever see this anyways ha. thank god.

the memories you make and the people who make them..

*pictures soon to follow*

these past weeks i've really come to realize who my true friends are. i've also been reminiscing alot lately. when dann and i broke up i was really scared to look back because i knew i would think of him and all the good times we've had together. i was scared to think of those good times cuz i was scared i would never have times as good as those again. but lately things have been looking up. when something really devastates you and just gets you all the way down, when you are finally able to look up you see your true friends surrounding you helping you back up. my friends have really just stepped up and been there for me. and for that im eternally greatful. you guys have no idea how much that means to me. this breakup was so hard for me but you guys were really there for me in my hour of need. whether it was listening to me cry, picking me up from el sobrante, or just letting me vent to you. it really helped me distinguish my true friends from my acquaintances.
ARI- girrrrrl. idk what i woulda done without you mannn. you were my shoulder to cry on. i told you everything and you gave me the answers i needed. you came to pick me up at 9 from my house hella deep in el sobrante. you let me cry and bitch and complain to you. since badminton last year me and you have really become the twins everyone knows us to be aha. we always have the best of times aha. the stupidest conversations. the longest and loudest laughs. the most awkward moments. the randomest shit goes down when ever we are together. we know what each other is thinking (most of the time) aha. i know that whenever me and you hang out its gonna be hella fun. i love you girly!

NICK-my besty =] haha hella memories with you too. even though you try and break every bone in my body on a daily basis i still love you aha. even though someday i know your going to accidentally punch me in the face i stiill love you (hopefully) haha jk. your a funny ass dude. i love our conversations because they are so pointless. your my picture buddy and someone i know i can really count on. even though your a dick to me somtimes i know you dont really mean it. im here for you best. cuz you were there for me. love you!

MIGGY-man i miss you hella. you were the first of the asians to befriend me aha. world civ and spanish were my favorite classes last year just cuz they were with you aha. i remember when we first started being cool. it was before my birthday i think and i needed ciarans number to remind him about my cake aha. OH! and that gayass world civ project where i got stuck in the worst group ever and pretty much spent all my time with your group trying to get coyne to let me switch countries aha. he still gave me a D! anyways that was the beginning. aha i remember always borrowing your jackets and those stupid ass drawings in spanish! aha. even though we never really hung out alot outside of school you were a true friend me man. listening to my problems and giving me advice that i never took aha. hella wish i llistened to you now. i remember watching movies on your i pod in spanish and you getting hella mad and janae and alex for talking hella shit. our movie night where you were a little bitch and stold my spot! aha jk. aha. cant wait till your here this summer! i guarantee you wont feel like an outsider cuz we all miss you hella much and think about you everyday. like no lie at least once a day i say i miss miggy to somebody aha. love you dude!

KEVIN-we didnt start becoming close until the summer kinda and this year. but you are one of a kind aha. you can always get me laughing whether its your funny faces or voices or any of the other dumb shit you do aha. APAH would be suuuupppeerrr gay if you weren't there aha. your one hell of a friend and cool person to talk to. i love how kevin you are kevin aha. thanks your being such a cool person and for not getting mad everytime i talk shit about you drinking soymilk aha. love you!

MATT-we didnt become cool until this year to but your hands down one of the nicest people i've ever met. thanks for helping me through my breakup and giving me great advice and letting me vent to you as well. your such a funny person to talk to aha. and i love that you love shopping just as much (maybe even more) than me aha. anyways i just wanted to thank you for being there for me when i needed someone to talk to and making me laugh when i needed it. oh and for trying to help me eat healthier with your almonds and plain pocky sticks aha. your a hella cool person matt. dont ever change! love you!
ok this is getting starting to get hellla long and my hand is hurting aha. but im not done. ill have more to add for these niggas.
brett
ann
peter
tai
arianne
lana

makin memories

just when i feel like things are just off and not how they are supposed to be i get a wake up call. what i thought was going to be a lightweight gay ass night, turned into one of the most exciting nights i've had in a while. i really needed that. that game last night was crazy. and even though it was my dad lil bro and ari it was hella fun. the most fun i've had i awhile. i've come to realize that its not who your with that determines if it will be fun or not..its how open you are and your attitude. who would a thought that a high school game with my dad could of been that fun? aha i really needed a wake up call like last night though. now i know that i dont need to be with him to have a good time. i just need to have an open mind and good attitude. once we really started getting into the game it was crazy! me and ari were screaming our heads off (me more than her =] ) aha we didnt need hella people there to make our night. we made it ourselves. (not saying that if all my friends were there it wouldn't of been fun. missed you guys btw) and now i really know that i can make my own good times. i know that things will get easier and that i will be able to get over this and make new memories. it started last night. one hell of a game. haha

tuesday

licensed =]

in the moment

(during the pacquiao fight =] )

today was a good day. nice day out with matt and ari. good way to take my mind off things. or so i thought. the city has alot of memories with you too. but surprisingly it only stung for a little. it actually brought a smile to my face afterwards. aha. i think thats a good sign. im waiting for things to be somewhat back to normal..that way our friendship can come back. i really miss it.

anyways. i think i've had enough of these depressing posts.
the city!!! yayyy! shopping! got a cardigan and a belt. wish i had gotten the other belt and dress from urban now =/
food court. good times aha. mos def know where to get food next time =]
oops! fight is starting.. to be cont..

this ones for you

even though i dont really understand whats happening between us, one thing that i will not let go of is our friendship. well as long as you want to be friends aha. if you end up reading this just know that your friendship really is important to me. i wanna be here for you but if you cant do that i completely understand. its hard for me right now to. i really do miss you though. but maybe you were right in breaking up right now. i think maybe we both need time to grow and mature and straighten things out. change can be good. all i really want is for you to be happy. i've been doing alot better lately. of course i miss your company and stuff but i think i need to learn to take care of myself and deal with things myself. and as much as it hurts its what i need. what we both need. friends? i just need time to move on ya know? give you the space you need. time can tell what time happen. time will heal. time. time. time. thats what everyone tells me. so im going to give it a shot. distance is hard but probably necessary right now. miss you.

another day

11/12/09
not much to report.
hw. didnt do it.
facebook conversations with matt kevin and julia =]
monthly, finally (got kinda scared) =[
worst tummy ache ever =[
prolly a combo of the mc D's and ya know..aha
did a little hw to fall asleep.
over all, not to bad i guess.
11/13/09
FRIDAY THE 13TH ooohhhh.
aha not an unlucky day.
little hard in the morning but i got it.
still have those moments where my mind wanders. we all know where it goes by now..
APAH project wasn;t too bad but not that fun either. i was still feeling kinda sick =/
third period. gayyyyyy. gibbs is such a faggot!
fourth. fun jus cuz of arianne. maaa heeerooo muah! aha
=] me and arianne got our daily! aha well i guess its just me now since she has mark! =] aha
lunch with ari patrick and tyler. me and ari to yo sushi. pat and ty to safeway.
meet up. talk about how much food we got and how fat we are. yell at the white family that honked at ari. aha the chick in the backseat got hella mad. ahahaha good times. then to get ice cream. man! i though EVRYONE wanted ice cream not just me! so i end up being the only one buying ice cream. lookin like a fatasssss. aha get back to school. we're alll hellllaaa full. i feel sick in chem and get noooo work done aha.
alg 2. super gay.
yayyyy for cpt. home early.
excited for the city with matt and ari tomorrow!!

still trynna get used to all this. its hard. and different. maybe different is good though. maybe it isn't. idk. i guess only time can tell what will happen. im scared to try and im scared not too idk men..its either listen to everyone and just let what happens happen and if its meant to be it'll be or do i take things into my own hands and try to fix things? im lost right now. it may not seem like it but i am. i put on the face for everyone but i know whats really up. its all good though. things will come together. right?

today

was not so good.
didnt hear from him at all when i though i should of
oh well i need to stop expecting things
not in the mood for an emo post aha
had a good cry. (cuz im a baby =] )
today i.
looked at houses in benicia =]
put offers on houses in benicia =]
saw stepfather with brother and auntie =]
went home and tried to sleep off headache =/
woke up. still there. =/
didnt go to training =/ (kinda)
cried =[
missed miggy's im =[(miss you migggy ! )
blogging =]
hungry =]

two sides

side one: the one that wants this to end
this side of me feels that this whole thing is a mistake. that this will all come to an end soon. that you will realize that you were being silly and you still love me and still mean all those wonderful things you said to me. this side is the hopeful side. the side that i want to win but everyone tells me its a longshot. this side is the one with hope this side has faith in the love we shared for almost two years. this side still believes all the promises you made. this side looks for hope in everything (maybe not a good idea). this side wants things to go back to the ways they used to be. remember those days? just staring at each other like losers. this side still truly believes we are meant to be and can make it through any and everything. this side cant let go of this love. this side recognizes that the love was real. this side still wants you despite everything. this side cant believe this is happening.

side 2: the side that hurts
this is the side that takes to heart what you said about your feelings being gone and not coming back. this is the side saying that i need to get over you. forget about those promises. this is the side that tells me its over gaby. you had a good run but you hit the wall and nobody is willing to push forward with you. this side tells me that not everything was as it seems. this side seeks comfort in trying to doubt everything but really all it finds is pain. this side wants to take everyones advice and stay away but the other side always prevents it. this side wants to let you go and let all the feelings go and get over this. this side still cant believe this is happening.

i can do this..right?

fuck dude. whats going on! why cant i stop depending on this nigga!
i swear i want to..kinda. its jjust so hard to let him go. how am i supposed to get used to not having that person..the person who helped you go to sleep every night and wake up every moring and text you through out the day and cheer you up whenever you needed it and told you those dumb ass jokes and texted you just to say i love you..how do i distance myself from that person? how do i train myself to not think about him and ALWAYS want to be in contact with him?
just when i think im doing good sommething comes along and provves me wrong. i want so bad for him to change his mind. for him to realize what im going through and actually care and want to do something about it you know? plain and simple, i want that dann that would call back after 2 hours on the phone just to say i love you one more time. the dann that would randomly send me these romantic ass text messages as im walking on campus and make my entire day. those text messages would lift my spirits up mos def. i couldnt help but look at it at least once every period. aha i want that dann that wasn't afraid to plan a future with me cuz he was just so sure that i was just mos def the girl of his dreams. i want that dann back cuz even though we aren;t together right now that dann has me.. he was me wrapped good and tight around his finger. and as much as people tell me i need to get away from that and move on and as much as i agree and say i will, there is that thing in the back of my mind saying no way..thats impossible gaby and you know it. its terrible i know but its the truth. no matter how much i tell myself i can do this i always get a relapse. a relapse of all these painful bittersweet memories that just instantly bring the tears to my eyes. im trying i really am trying to distance myself but it hurts so bad. even when im with people i feel lonely. im only blogging right now to stop myself from calling him..and even now the phone is less than a foot from my hand. i hate how dependent i still am on him. ugh! im so frustrated with myself! sometimes i wish i could just turn love on and off. i want it to be off right now. cuz if its off then my pain is gone. but no. the pain is here. im sure of it. im sure of it alot of the time. everytime my phone rings or vibrates i hope and pray that its him. it never is. i find myself looking for excuses to contact him. no bueno men. this pain just seems so unbearable. and everytime someone tries to talk to me about it, it always leads to "dont worry gaby its him, not you. he just needs to mature and grow up, blah blah blah" men dude you dont even know how much i wish it really was my fault. stupid? well at least if it was my fault i would know what to do to fix this. or there would be a way to fix this. i hate how weak i feel whenever he is on the brain. ugh. i hate how EVERY little thing has to remmind me about him, and in turn of what i lost. i've tried telling myself its for the best and it will pass with time but i've seen no evidence of that yet..some days are better than others but they all start and end the same.with pain. today was hard. extremely. started out worse than usual. got worse. and then even more so. little better. now im at this point. so many ttimes have i stopped typing and grabbed my phone. i cant do it though. i wont let myself be weak but at the same time im hurting myslef more and more and more. i hate this sense of loneliness. i want a distraction. why does he get a distraction? why is this so easy for him? why cant he just come back? but you know what? even if i couldn't get all that dann back.it wouldn't matter. i just want him back..

question but no answe

last night i had a long talk with him.
i surprised myself and didnt break down.
i actually started getting mad..
i asked him everything that was confusing me and he could never give me answer..
i told him that i wish i could of been worth his time and effort..
no reply..
i asked him why he had to just drop me so sudden and from so high up..
no reply..
i asked why he didnt love me anymore..
he said he did..but thats hard to believe in a situation like this..
i asked him alot of questions and i didnt like alot of the answers..
i made him promise me to be good and not smoke and limit the drinking alot..
he did..but i feeel his promises are empty now..
i cant trust him right now. not even as a friend and he knows that. i really hope he is able to gain my trust back someday.
i told him i felt so alone all the time. that it was a struggle to get through each day.
he said he here for me. that he always would be. again..its hard for me to believe what he says right now. everytime he says something like that i automatically think "yea well you also told me you loved and wanted to be with me forever. that i was the one. i was the person you couldnt live without and never wanted to lose. that i was the one girl that was different than all the rest. i think of the fact that he told me he told me he loved me not just an hour before he broke up with me. i think of the fact that when he took me back that first time he promised he wouldnt make me do this again." all those promises seem empty..as much as it hurts me to think of that i cant help it. i wish he would do something to prove me wrong but this all just seems so easy for him. it seems easy for him to just treat the last two years of his life like it was just another phase or like its whatever. i didnt want to just be a chapter in his book, i wanted to be the other main character..the one who is there throughout the entire story. the person he grows old with and all that junk. im not sure about this but i feel like he just dumped me like i was any old girlfriend. not someone he loved for 2 years.(almost)
that hurts. cuz to me...
he was so much more than any old guy..
he was my first kiss.
my first love.
my first time.
my first date.
took me to my first dance.
gave me my first slow dance.
first boyfriend.
when i was with him..
i watched my first UFC fight.
got bit by a dog for the first time.
stayed out all night for the first time.
met the family for the first time.
went out with the family for the first time.
went to a public high school for the first time.
stayed up all night talking.
made up my own language and words.
stole his clothes.
wrote silly love notes/pictures
introduced him to my family'
took him to my family parties
planned our future
talked about anything and everything..
first make out session.
just so many memories come rushing in with every though of him.
i try and not do this but its really hard.
how do you just forget the best two years of your life?

heartbreak

so most of you know by now that dann broke up with me.
everyone is telling me that blogging will help
so thats why im here. im realy hoping it will cuz this is so hard for me.
if in anyway you can relate to this contact me..we can vent to each other =]

anyways so dann. dann was and still is the love of my life. even though he has hurt me more than any person can hurt me and yet i still have this love for him. he was my first everything.
i gave my all to him and he let me fall...hard, without bothering to catch me or even let me know i was going to fall and get hurt. there is so much of me that wants to be mad at him and hate him but i just cant.

its hard to explain how much i love him but ill try. he wasn't just my boyfriend. he was my bestfriend. the true definition of a best friend. the person that you really can just talk to about anything. whether it be family problems or feeling like shit cuz your on your period. i really held nothing back. i felt comfortable enough with him to just let go and be me. i wasn't self concious of always worrying about what i was saying or doing or wearing. i could just be around him. we were so good for each other. (geez it hurts talking about our relationship in the past tense..) what i didnt have he did and what he didnt i did. we helped eached other through our hardest times. he was there for me on my dark days and vice versa. i know this is so cliche but i really believe we completed each other. he was such a big part of my daily routine. my day would begin and end with him.
now when i wake up the first thing i think about is him...
i think about how alone i feel..
about what i used to be doing at this time..
telling him thanks for the wake up and grumbling ilove you cuz im grumpy in the mornig..
hear him laugh and say i love you too baby have a good day..
reminscing hurts but in a time like this i cant help it. i dont think anyone can really..
what hurts the most about all this is the worthlessness i feel..
from my point of view i see a great relationship was just thrown away..
i feel that i wasn't worth his time and effort to make this work..
i know this is not the way i need to think but again..i cant control it.
when i think about this wholee situation i doubt the past two years of my life..
its jjust doubts