i can do this..right?

fuck dude. whats going on! why cant i stop depending on this nigga!
i swear i want to..kinda. its jjust so hard to let him go. how am i supposed to get used to not having that person..the person who helped you go to sleep every night and wake up every moring and text you through out the day and cheer you up whenever you needed it and told you those dumb ass jokes and texted you just to say i love you..how do i distance myself from that person? how do i train myself to not think about him and ALWAYS want to be in contact with him?
just when i think im doing good sommething comes along and provves me wrong. i want so bad for him to change his mind. for him to realize what im going through and actually care and want to do something about it you know? plain and simple, i want that dann that would call back after 2 hours on the phone just to say i love you one more time. the dann that would randomly send me these romantic ass text messages as im walking on campus and make my entire day. those text messages would lift my spirits up mos def. i couldnt help but look at it at least once every period. aha i want that dann that wasn't afraid to plan a future with me cuz he was just so sure that i was just mos def the girl of his dreams. i want that dann back cuz even though we aren;t together right now that dann has me.. he was me wrapped good and tight around his finger. and as much as people tell me i need to get away from that and move on and as much as i agree and say i will, there is that thing in the back of my mind saying no way..thats impossible gaby and you know it. its terrible i know but its the truth. no matter how much i tell myself i can do this i always get a relapse. a relapse of all these painful bittersweet memories that just instantly bring the tears to my eyes. im trying i really am trying to distance myself but it hurts so bad. even when im with people i feel lonely. im only blogging right now to stop myself from calling him..and even now the phone is less than a foot from my hand. i hate how dependent i still am on him. ugh! im so frustrated with myself! sometimes i wish i could just turn love on and off. i want it to be off right now. cuz if its off then my pain is gone. but no. the pain is here. im sure of it. im sure of it alot of the time. everytime my phone rings or vibrates i hope and pray that its him. it never is. i find myself looking for excuses to contact him. no bueno men. this pain just seems so unbearable. and everytime someone tries to talk to me about it, it always leads to "dont worry gaby its him, not you. he just needs to mature and grow up, blah blah blah" men dude you dont even know how much i wish it really was my fault. stupid? well at least if it was my fault i would know what to do to fix this. or there would be a way to fix this. i hate how weak i feel whenever he is on the brain. ugh. i hate how EVERY little thing has to remmind me about him, and in turn of what i lost. i've tried telling myself its for the best and it will pass with time but i've seen no evidence of that yet..some days are better than others but they all start and end the same.with pain. today was hard. extremely. started out worse than usual. got worse. and then even more so. little better. now im at this point. so many ttimes have i stopped typing and grabbed my phone. i cant do it though. i wont let myself be weak but at the same time im hurting myslef more and more and more. i hate this sense of loneliness. i want a distraction. why does he get a distraction? why is this so easy for him? why cant he just come back? but you know what? even if i couldn't get all that dann back.it wouldn't matter. i just want him back..